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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25511704">I'll Continue to Continue to Pretend</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/amethystfox/pseuds/amethystfox'>amethystfox</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayerlind/pseuds/ayerlind'>ayerlind</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>I Could Live a Little More [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Men's Football RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aldertonghen, Angst, Belgium National Team, Blow Jobs, Euro 2016, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hotels, M/M, Masturbation, Mertonghen, POV: Dries, POV: Jan, POV: Toby, Pining, Pool Sex, Public Blow Jobs, Swimming Pools</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:48:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,164</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25511704</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/amethystfox/pseuds/amethystfox, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayerlind/pseuds/ayerlind</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>June 2016</p><p>The Belgium national football team is playing in the 2016 Euros in France, but there's almost as much going on off the pitch as on it-- for a couple of the boys, anyway.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dries Mertens/Jan Vertonghen, Toby Alderweireld/Jan Vertonghen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>I Could Live a Little More [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621807</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Verses Out of Rhythm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Chapter 1 by ayerlind<br/>Chapters 2-3 by amethystfox</p><p>This piece is set a few months after <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22539931">Any Time</a>, so I recommend making sure you've read that one already 😊</p><p>Title is from the song <i>Flowers Never Bend with the Rainfall</i> by Simon and Garfunkel.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It felt like he and Dries had been orbiting this step forever; now that they’d reached it, he planned on reaching it again as soon and as frequently as possible.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>26 June 2016<br/>Toulouse, France</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Jan woke with a start, feeling instinctively embarrassed about having fallen asleep during a movie like some kind of old man.  He knew that getting quite so comfortable had been a mistake; it was really no surprise, considering how knackered he was from the match against Hungary.</p><p>He knew he couldn’t have dozed for very long because nothing much had changed - Toby was still manspreading at the far end of the couch, more attention on his phone than the movie.  Nacer was still on the floor, watching the screen raptly.  Mousa wasn’t in the armchair he’d been occupying, however, and Jan didn’t see Dries anywhere, although hearing the toilet flush told him he would learn the answer to one of those questions soon enough.</p><p>He shifted in order to sit back up and realised that the thing under his head wasn’t the arm of the couch, but somebody’s thigh. </p><p>“Oh look, you’re awake,” teased the owner of the thigh, and Jan craned his neck to look up, smiling when he found Dries’s bright grin shining back down on him.  Oh, right - he’d said his ass was falling asleep sitting on the floor.  Jan remembered him moving up onto the couch now, and his own refusal to sit up straight and give him a decent amount of space.  “My leg went numb about ten minutes ago, but I didn’t have the heart.”</p><p>“That’s a lie,” murmured Jan, twisting and shifting until he was on his back.  He pulled his legs up, but crossed them so that he wouldn’t encroach on Toby too much.  This was actually an absurdly comfortable couch for being in a random hotel suite.  He reached up to tap Dries on the cheek, grinning when he did.  “You always have the heart to fuck with me.”</p><p>Dries laughed and the sound made Jan’s smile grow, as did the feeling of Dries’s hand landing in his hair, fingertips gently scratching the nape of his neck.  “Yeah, I do,” he agreed, and Jan was just about to relax again when his fingers tightened, grabbing a fistful and giving Jan’s hair a decent yank. </p><p>Jan felt several different things at once, not the least of which was a jolt straight to the dick.  On the tail of that was an absolute thrill of three other people (as Mousa had returned from his trip to the bog and had just given Nacer’s ear a flick as he passed) being in the room when someone pushed <em> that </em> button.  On the tail of <em> that </em>, however, was abject horror at the same -  multiple people, two of whom were in this room, had told him throughout the years that he didn’t really hide arousal well. </p><p>“Dries!” complained Jan.  He sat up and scooted away, a few inches closer to Toby, and glared back at his friend.  He was embarrassed to be so easily riled up and paranoid that someone would put two and two together, not to mention just slightly horny now, and it culminated in being genuinely upset with Dries for a moment.  Even he was a bit taken aback by how sternly he said, “Could you fucking not?” </p><p>Dries clearly was too, his bright hazel eyes shuttering and his smug grin slipping.  Jan glanced around and groaned internally.  Nacer was too absorbed in the movie to realise that anything had happened, but Mousa was staring at them outright.  Even Toby, without looking up, had a loudly judgemental eyebrow arched, though anyone who didn’t know him so well would assume he was just reacting to something on his phone.   </p><p>“Do we need to separate you two?” asked Mousa mildly.  It wasn’t a real question - just something for him to say that would open the door for an explanation.  </p><p>“I was just being an asshole,” Dries said before Jan could even think of anything.  Dries exaggerated a grimace and held up a thumb and forefinger, pinching the air to indicate he’d done the same to Jan.  “Woke him up.”</p><p>Mousa rolled his eyes and grumbled something about them being annoying and Toby’s eyebrow finally made its way back down to a neutral expression.  Jan saw that when Dries was satisfied that he’d deflected them, his own expression fell back into a distressed frown, eyes shifting off to the side as if he was searching for the answer to how to fix it. </p><p>Jan hated that he’d put that look on his face - Dries had only been messing around.  Yes, he knew about that particular proclivity of Jan’s, but he almost certainly hadn’t been actually trying to tease him like that.  They had long since passed the point where giving each other blue balls for fun had lost its appeal.  This was just Dries.  Playful to a fault, sometimes so into the banter that he forgot himself.  It was one of the things that made him so exceptionally charming and just a joy to even be in the same room with, but this was the flipside to it - his distress whenever he’s gone too far and upset someone while he was having a laugh.  And Dries’ obvious disappointment with himself when he said, softly enough to be for Jan’s ears only, “I really am sorry,” was enough to make Jan groan in despair. </p><p>“Oh, for the love-- okay, come here,” he grumbled.  He scooted back over and raised an arm in invitation, smiling despite himself at Dries’ obvious relief.  Dries tucked himself under it immediately and Jan wrapped him in a hug, twisting so that he could wrap both arms around him even from such a weird angle.  “Idiot.”  </p><p>“Bitch,” Dries retorted. </p><p>Jan grinned and rested his cheek against Dries’ soft curls, then buried a kiss in them - nothing more or less affectionate than any of the lot of them did all the time.  His mouth was close enough to Dries’ ear now, though, that he could say this without worry - “There’s a time and place for pulling hair, Driesje.” </p><p>Because of who he was as a person, Dries’ response to that was to burst out with a giggle, and Jan rolled his eyes, slapping him (mostly) gently upside the head.  Leave it to Dries to get the nervous giggles when Jan was trying to flirt.</p><p>Mousa’s attention was drawn from the movie again, and Jan tried to shift a little, make their posture a little less... intimate.  “What are you plotting?”  Mousa narrowed his eyes at them.</p><p>“Your demise,” Jan said mildly, then blew him a kiss. </p><p>Dries laughed again and completely undid Jan’s shifting as he settled into his spot under Jan’s arm, clearly planning to make it a permanent residence.  Jan yawned and untucked his legs from underneath him, slouching down to where he would be equally comfortable, his arm hooked around Dries’ neck, their heads resting against one another.  Jan dozed off a few more times and he knew that Dries did too, feeling the change in his breathing whenever he was awake to do so.  </p><p>Eventually, a nudge on his shoulder roused Jan from one of his deeper dozes and he blinked himself awake.  Standing over them was Toby, a strange look on his face that softened into a smile that was somewhere between fond and amused.  They’d turned off the TV and most of the lights, and behind him, Nacer was disappearing into the bathroom.  “You’re going to regret it if you stay there all night,” he said softly. </p><p>Jan knew that he was right; he’d still had his head resting on top of Dries’, and his neck was already a little stiff.  He shifted a little, just enough to gently wake the smaller man tucked warmly against his side.  “Hey, you,” he murmured.</p><p>“Hmm?”  Dries stretched, sitting up a little straighter before he even opened his eyes.  He blinked slowly at Jan, then scrubbed his hands briskly over his face, seeming to realise exactly where he was and what was going on as he did.  “Thanks,” he said as they stood up, flashing a somewhat sheepish grin at Toby.  “That’s a quick way to wake up hurting.”</p><p>“Mmhmm.”  Toby smiled again before he turned and headed toward the beds, stripping his shirt off as he went.  </p><p>Jan moved Dries out of his way with a strategic goosing and grinned at his indignant squawk and affronted glare, throwing himself into the bed he’d been sharing with Dries ever since they arrived in Toulouse.  He’d changed into the undershirt and shorts he intended to wear to bed before they’d even started the movie earlier, and once he was horizontal, realised exactly how tired he was.  He stretched his arms over his head and let out a yawn big enough to pop his jaw.  </p><p>“Attractive,” teased Dries dryly, grinning at him as he sat down on the edge of the bed with a bounce.</p><p>“Eh, you love me.”</p><p>Dries scrunched up his face in mock contemplation.  “Eh...” he echoed.</p><p>Jan scoffed, feigning being deeply insulted.  He started to make a show of getting out from under the covers.  “Fine, maybe I’ll sleep with Toby instead.”  </p><p>Dries smirked at him and waggled his eyebrows, and there was a beat of silence while Jan’s words caught up to him.  Dries started giggling as soon as he could tell Jan had caught on, and Jan groaned and dropped his head, laughter bubbling up until his shoulders shook.  “Oh, god. <em> Not </em> what I meant,” he muttered.  </p><p>Not that Toby was unattractive by any means.  Even by the standards of spending almost all of his time with people who were at peak physical fitness, Toby was kind of a wonder to behold, from his powerful legs to his strong, gorgeously tattooed arms, the flat plane of his stomach, the curves of his pecs.  Jan would be lying to himself to say he’d never noticed, or even that he’d never stolen second and third glances - especially since that night in January.  And okay, maybe he’d had more than one wank over their one surreal night together - the night that he’d confessed to Toby his need for submission, the night that had brought them together in ways that neither could have ever foreseen. </p><p>But then Jan had woken up to an empty bed, and Toby said that it needed to be a one-time thing.  They’d spent a couple of weeks on eggshells around each other, but thankfully, they’d made their way back to a place where things were, more or less, finally back to normal between them.</p><p>“What do you think, Toby?” Dries asked, grinning over the top of Jan’s head.  Jan smacked him, but all it did was double his laughter.  “Who knows? Maybe he’s a cuddler.”</p><p>Jan turned to roll his eyes at his friend, who was standing in between their beds, but Toby didn’t rise to it, looking resolutely down at his watch as he fumbled with the clasp, shaking his head.  “You two are exhausting.”  Once his watch was off, he set it on the table and got into bed, making a point of rolling away from them.</p><p>Jan snickered, and Dries scoffed.  “You’re no fun,” he said. </p><p>They left one light on for Nacer, for once he was done with his shower, but otherwise all set their alarms and settled down.  Jan plugged in his earbuds and found a relaxing playlist on Spotify, rolling away from the light.  Dries was lying on his back, illuminated by his phone as he held it up, and when Jan rolled to face him, he glanced over and smiled.  When Jan smiled back, Dries made a kissy face at him.  It was silly, but Jan blushed regardless, reaching over under the covers to pinch Dries gently on the arm. </p><p>“Goodnight,” whispered Dries, just audible in the silence between songs.</p><p>Jan closed his eyes, sticking his phone under his pillow so that it wouldn’t disappear into the abyss of the bed overnight.  “Night,” he whispered back.</p><p>He fell asleep quickly and slept soundly - so soundly that when he woke up to Dries’s fingers drifting across the strip of stomach exposed by his shirt riding up in his sleep, he was deeply groggy enough that it took him a moment to realise where he even was, or what was happening. </p><p>“I had to wake you up,” Dries whispered.  Jan blinked slowly, registering Dries’ grin in the darkness.  “You were saying my name in your sleep. You might have embarrassed yourself.”</p><p><em> “What?” </em>   Jan’s stomach dropped, his grogginess evaporating.  He opened his mouth to ask what the hell he had been saying, whether either of the others had heard, whether there was any need for damage control - or what he could even <em> do </em> for damage control, if it was needed - when he felt the whole bed shaking with Dries’ suppressed giggles.</p><p>“You’re such a little asshole,” Jan murmured in despair.  He rolled onto his back with a shiver, his body confused by the surge of adrenaline, and brought his hands up to scrub over his face.  He left them there for a second to muffle his groan, and didn’t move them until he felt Dries’ hand wrap gently around his wrist.  Dries pulled his hand away from his face, and Jan only had a moment to see his face before warm lips pressed against his own.</p><p>Jan melted under him, sliding his hand around the back of Dries’ neck and holding him there, kissing him back softly a couple of times before he pulled away, turning his head so that he could glance across to the other bed.  Nacer was there sleeping soundly, facing away from them, his light snores easily audible, but there was a space beside him where Toby should have been.</p><p>“He just went into the bathroom,” whispered Dries, his breath warm against Jan’s cheek.  Dries dipped his head down to catch Jan’s earlobe between gentle teeth, tugging playfully.  “The door closing was what woke me up. I decided I want to take advantage of it. And you.”</p><p>Jan glanced toward the bathroom, but thanks to the layout of the room, they would be able to hear the door open and there would still be a good couple of seconds to separate before Toby came around the corner.  Thus reassured, he let his eyes slip closed again and slid his hand up into Dries’ hair, opening his lips to allow Dries’ tongue to find his own, trying to keep his body still and his sighs soft as he enjoyed the warmth and quiet intimacy, the feeling of Dries’ hand still drifting across the sensitive skin of his stomach. </p><p>“I miss this,” Dries sighed between kisses, pressing their foreheads together.  “I almost forget how much I miss it until we’re able to get together again.”</p><p>“And then it sucks even more when we have to go home,” Jan agreed.  He knew the feeling.  He loved everything about where he was in life right now, wouldn’t give it up for anything - and he knew that Dries felt the same - but he would pay just about any amount of money on earth to move Italy closer to England.</p><p>They heard the toilet flush and the faucet run.  Dries whispered, “Damnit,” and pressed a quick kiss against Jan’s cheek before he quickly rolled onto his back, and Jan screwed his face up in frustration and scooted the other way, curling up on his side.  He closed his eyes and evened his breathing out, listening to the quiet shuffling on the carpet as Toby padded back to the far side of the other bed.  There was a soft creak as it dipped under his weight, the rustle of the covers being pulled up, and then silence. </p><p>Jan chanced cracking one eye open.  He could see Toby still awake, just staring at the ceiling, and he frowned.  Part of him wanted to get up and check on him - Toby had seemed just a little reserved all afternoon after the match.  Not enough to have been concerning or anything - it was normal for a lot of them to be wiped out after matches, obviously - but it was Toby, and even if nothing was wrong, Jan wanted the reassurance of it. </p><p>Before he could make a decision, though, Toby rolled over and seemed to settle in a little. Jan heard him take a few more deliberate breaths, not too dissimilar to what Jan sometimes did when he was trying to convince his body to go back to sleep, and he felt better knowing that there was nothing major keeping Toby awake after all. </p><p>He waited until Toby’s breathing evened out a little, then twisted just enough to peek at Dries.  Dries was still awake, his head turned toward Jan, a little smirk on his face.  “He’s asleep again,” Dries whispered.  He rolled onto his side and wiggled forward to press himself against Jan, wrapping an arm around his middle and nuzzling into Jan’s hair.  “Mmm. I like being the big spoon with you.”</p><p>Jan could hear his grin and feel his breath, warm against his neck, and he smirked, reaching back so that he could rest his hand on Dries’ hip, fingers teasing along the waistband of his boxers.  “Actually,” he whispered back, “I think when the big spoon is as little as you are, it’s called being a jetpack.” </p><p>Dries barely managed to keep himself from laughing - the tiniest squeak came out of him and he shook with silent giggles, but he tightened his arm around Jan and threw a leg over him for good measure, lips finding the back of his neck.  “Then that’s what I am. Now quit with the semantics, I’m trying to flirt with you here.”</p><p>Jan pinched his side, making him squirm.  “You’re so needy,” he teased.</p><p>“You’re easy to need,” Dries whispered.  Jan felt warmth flush through him and as awkward as the angle was, he craned his neck to tip his head toward Dries.  His sweet eyes flicked back and forth between Jan’s, and Jan wouldn’t have been able to bite back his smile even if he had wanted to. </p><p>“Kiss,” he demanded, and Dries grinned, complying.  Jan shifted onto his back, Dries leaned over him, and they kissed for what felt like an eternity; nothing like the quick kisses that they stole with a thrill whenever they were out of sight from the rest of the squad, nor the jokey kisses that they’d shared a handful of times in front of people.  They kissed slowly, lazily, tongues in no hurry to explore, noses brushing against each other.  Jan wrapped an arm around him, holding him close, stroking his back, carding a hand through his hair.  </p><p>At some point, Jan’s shirt found its way to the floor.  Dries’ hand began to roam, fingers trailing, leg still hooked over both of Jan’s, and now he pressed forward, grinding his erection against Jan’s thigh - and his thigh against Jan’s erection.  Jan lifted his hips, finding friction against the solid muscle of Dries’ leg, and Dries sighed softly, pulling away enough to press his forehead against Jan’s.</p><p>“Any more of this,” he breathed, “and I’m going to have trouble staying quiet.”</p><p>Jan grinned, pleased with himself for that, but it was short lived as he realised just how few options they had.  They couldn’t hide away in the bathroom because they’d never be able to explain it away if Toby or Nacer woke up and caught them.  He knew that Dries was right about his inability to keep quiet, so he was far too nervous to try to do anything right here in bed.  </p><p>And yet right this second, Jan was struggling to care about the risk. Giving in to his desire to leave just one love note in his wake, Jan sucked a little one to life just far enough down Dries’ shoulder that his jersey would cover it, following it with a light kiss against the reddened skin.  Dries squirmed against him again, and Jan grinned, meeting him and pressing right back.  “Sensitive?”</p><p>“As if you’re shocked.”  Dries went so far as to pull away and release his hold on Jan, who pouted.  Dries gave him a wicked grin, then, and leaned just close enough to put his lips to Jan’s ear, making him shiver.  “There’s a pool just down the hall, you know. Nobody’s going to be there at two in the morning.”</p><p>With Dries’ lips against his ear, his tongue running along the sensitive shell of it, his hand creeping up Jan’s chest, fingertips finding one nipple and idly playing with it, Jan was hard-pressed to find any argument to be had.  They climbed out of bed as quietly as humanly possible and slipped out, sharing giggles of relief as soon as the door was closed behind them.  With both of them wearing boxers and sporting boners, Jan was grateful that the corridor was deserted.</p><p>As soon as they slipped into the massive pool room and confirmed that there was no one else there, Jan pushed Dries against the door just as it closed behind them, muffling Dries’ giggling with a kiss.   He rested one arm against the door and laid the other hand softly against the side of Dries’ neck, thumb brushing his cheek as he tipped Dries’ face up toward his own.</p><p>Dries melted against him.  “God, Jantje...”</p><p>Jan smiled against his lips, nipped at the lower one as he pulled away, and gave Dries a mischievous grin, nodding over to the pool.  “You coming?”</p><p>Dries pouted at the loss of contact, but Jan saw his eyes sparkle impishly.  “I better be, with as much of a tease as you are, Jan Vertonghen.”</p><p>Jan flashed him a smirk, then took off at a gallop, springing off the edge of the pool and breaking the glassy surface of the water with a mighty cannonball.  The world muted around him in an instant as he plunged in, perfect and refreshingly cool water pressing in from all sides.  He let himself just sink for a moment, suspended in a momentary fizz of air bubbles around him before he propelled himself forward and up, breaking the surface again from below.  He gulped down a breath and wiped the water out of his eyes so that he could look up at Dries, who was standing at the side of the pool. </p><p>“What are you waiting for?”</p><p>“How cold is it?”</p><p>Jan shrugged.  “It’s nice. Get your ass in here.” </p><p>Dries tested it with his foot and made a face.  “Are you serious? It’s freezing.”</p><p>“Oh my god.”  Rolling his eyes fondly, Jan splashed water at him, and Dries scrambled backwards with a squeal.  “What are you, a cat?”</p><p><em> “Basta,” </em> grumbled Dries. </p><p>“Here, kitty kitty kitty,” cooed Jan with a grin.  When all Dries did was glare, Jan swam over to the edge, crossing his arms on it and resting his chin on them while the rest of his body stretched out weightlessly behind him.  “Come on, little kitten, it’s just water.”</p><p>“It’s <em> cold.” </em></p><p>Jan had an idea, and his grin sharpened into a smirk.  He let go of the side so that he was standing, then pulled his boxers off underwater.  He dangled the waterlogged fabric from one finger, then threw them at Dries.  “Well, now I’m naked,” he said.  “So it’s your choice whether--”</p><p>He didn’t get any further than that - Dries was out of his boxers so quickly that it left Jan blinking, and he practically vaulted right over the top of Jan’s head, landing in an entirely ungraceful quasi-dive that made Jan laugh.</p><p>Dries popped back up and shook the water away, his face brightening in a surprised grin.  “Oh, it does feel nice once you’re all the way in,” he said sheepishly. </p><p>“Oh look, the kitten got brave,” teased Jan. </p><p><em> “Ferme-la.” </em>  Dries disappeared under the water again and propelled himself forward, coming up again to stand right in front of Jan.  He wiped his face on his arm and looked up with a smirk, then gave Jan’s nipple a pinch.  “Or you’re going to annoy me right out of wanting to touch you at all.”</p><p>Jan caught Dries by the hand playing with his nipple and stuck it under water, nudging his dick against it.  Dries opened his hand immediately, wrapping his fingers around Jan’s cock, and Jan twitched his hips, thrusting into his grip.  “Like this?” murmured Jan. </p><p>“Just like this.”</p><p>“Well, I guess if this is what you don’t want to do...” Jan slipped out of his grip, winked, and ducked away toward the shallow end.</p><p>Dries scoffed indignantly and chased right after him, splashing the back of his head.  “Stop right there, you evil tease.”</p><p>Jan stopped right there, laughing, and Dries swam up behind him, standing up and wrapping him in a hug from behind.  One arm hooked around his middle, and the other hand immediately went lower, seeking him out, wrapping around him again, tight and sure, stroking him in long, purposeful strokes.  Jan melted back against him immediately with a soft sigh. </p><p>“See? Sometimes it’s better to just let me catch you.”  Dries nipped low down his shoulder, then followed the sting of teeth with the balm of lips and tongue, pressing forward against him, his strokes speeding up.  When he faltered and paused, Jan dragged him forward a little, just so that he was wrapped around Jan’s side more than his back, so Jan could hook a possessive arm around him, get his fingers into Dries’ hair.  </p><p>“Driesje...” </p><p>Dries reached up, Jan leaned down, and they kissed for several long seconds, noses brushing, tongues dancing lazily, until Dries swiped his thumb over the head of Jan’s cock and made Jan moan into his mouth.  His hips couldn't help but thrust forward a bit - and neither could he stop his mind from thrusting ahead, too.  He'd fantasised about sucking Dries' cock, he'd dreamed about Dries sucking his, he'd come close to suggesting it before, but always chickened out.  They'd never quite reached that line.  </p><p>“You know,” Jan said breathlessly, pinching Dries to make him stop giggling, “the <em> hygienic </em> thing for you to do would be to suck my dick.”  He smirked, trying to cover his nerves with cockiness.  “And swallow every last drop, so nothing gets in the pool.”</p><p>To his delight, Dries groaned deep in his throat at his words, turning to nudge his face against Jan’s chest.  "God, you're sexy."  He found a nipple and his lips closed around it, teeth lightly holding the flesh so that his tongue could play with it.  Jan couldn’t help echoing Dries’ little desperate moan - nor could he help whining when Dries pulled away.  “Well, if that would be the responsible thing to do,” Dries murmured, erasing Jan’s pout immediately, “then I guess you better plant your cute ass over there on the steps and let me finally get my mouth on that dick of yours.” </p><p>A shiver ran through Jan - <em>'finally'?</em> - and he dragged himself away; the steps at the corner of the shallow end were only a few breaststrokes away, and he quickly sat on the third one, which kept his dick out of the water, but only just.  He leaned back on his elbows as Dries swam up to his legs, and Jan let his knees fall open to admit him, smiling down at him and sweeping his dripping curls off of his forehead. </p><p>“Come on, kitten,” Jan said softly, grinning at how Dries blushed.  “We shouldn’t be gone all night.”</p><p>Dries responded by swallowing him down so suddenly that Jan gasped.  He rested back on his elbows and dropped his head back as the heat enveloped his cock and Dries began bobbing his head.</p><p>“God, Dries...”</p><p>Dries let Jan’s cock slip out from between his lips, but only in order to mouth his way down the underside of it, tongue warm as it traced the vein on the way back up, and then Dries swallowed him down again, further than Jan would have imagined him able to.  It was an embarrassingly short amount of time before Jan was tapping Dries urgently, biting hard on his lip to keep himself quiet.  Dries held him tight, encouraging him with little noises, and soon Jan was biting down on his own hand, the other one probably way too tight in Dries’ hair, but he wasn’t complaining as he swallowed down every last mouthful of Jan’s release.</p><p>To say that Jan saw stars would only barely be an exaggeration.  His pulse throbbed in his ears, his skin was tingling with sweat wherever it wasn’t being steadily lapped by cool water, his skin stung from being bitten into.  “That,” he panted, slowly returning to himself, “was easily in my top five best orgasms. Ever.”</p><p>“Top <em> five? </em> Why are you so cruel?”</p><p>“Do you want me to think about it longer and remember more?”</p><p>“See if I ever blow you again.”</p><p>“Hey, you’re three of the five - and this was the first time you even used more than your hand. Be gracious.”</p><p>“Oof. Do I need to text Sophie and apologise?”</p><p>“Oh, I’m sure she’ll knock you back down a place or two the night we get home.”</p><p>Dries’s responding laugh was soft and sweet, and Jan opened his eyes, looking down at him.  Dries was kneeling loosely in the water, chest heaving, eyes closed, and his tongue was repeatedly running across his unfairly cute lower lip.  When Dries reached down to touch his neglected dick, though, a surprisingly intense heat flared right back to life inside of Jan, sparking him into motion.  Before he had quite caught up to his own actions, he’d stood up, pulled Dries to his feet, and then lifted him clear off of them and out of the water, depositing him on the edge of the pool so abruptly that there was an audible slap of skin.</p><p>Dries gaped at him.  "Um?"</p><p>Jan smirked, wrapped his arms around Dries, and eagerly swallowed him down with a little moan.  He was no more practised at it than he had been a few months ago with Toby, but he found that it was a little easier with Dries.  He didn’t want to get in the habit of making comparisons in bed - or poolside, as it were - but he liked that Dries wasn’t as big as Toby.  Toby’s length had been Jan’s undoing, resulting in an abrupt end to his first attempt at a blowjob; with Dries, he felt much more secure about not getting quite so overwhelmed during his second, and being able to appreciate it all the better.</p><p>Dries gasped, one hand going to Jan’s hair, one hand going into his own mouth.  “Jantje,” he hissed around it, “give me a bit of warning, <em> fuck.” </em></p><p>Jan felt a pleased blush run through him, but most of his attention was on the thrill of finally having Dries’ cock in his mouth, warm and heavy against his tongue.  He had the freedom to experiment as he sank down and began to bob his head slowly.  On one pass, he flattened his tongue against Dries’ cock, licking all the way up, and Dries moaned softly, squirming; on the next, he just barely flickered it against the head a few times, and the hand that Dries had in his hair tightened as his hips twitched.</p><p>Jan backed off in fear of gagging again, but even that little unexpected bit of force had been easier for him to handle than when Toby had inadvertently done the same thing.  Jan grinned and tightened his arms, pulling Dries to the very edge of the pool, then relaxed his grip so that he could just lazily grope Dries’ ass as he swallowed him down once again.  He found a rhythm of sucking and licking after a few more experiments, and it didn’t take long after that for Dries to start squirming and whimpering.</p><p>When Jan pressed his tongue directly against Dries' slit, a whimper opened up into a moan.  Jan stopped everything, looking up at the long window.  They really <em> were </em> playing with fire, as thrilling as the adrenaline of it was.  “Hey, kitten, the whole building doesn’t need to know you’re in heat.”</p><p>“Who’s the one making it hard for me to stay quiet?” demanded Dries. </p><p>Jan groaned.  “I believe in you,” he said sternly, and then went back to work with a sense of urgency.  He would get to take all the time he wanted next time, and the time after that, and the time after that.  It felt like he and Dries had been orbiting this step forever; now that they’d reached it, he planned on reaching it again as soon and as frequently as possible.</p><p>But for now--</p><p>“Jan, fuck,” Dries whispered, dropping his head back, “yes, that’s perfect, you’re perfect. You’re perfect, oh, fuck, Jan...”</p><p>Jan bobbed faster and sucked harder.  He could tell Dries was getting close, but he didn’t know exactly how close until Dries grabbed his hair and whimpered, obviously trying to say something and failing.  In a sudden moment of anxiety, Jan pulled his mouth off, and stroked Dries through his orgasm, watching the cum splatter across his stomach, listening to his shaky, breathy moans.  </p><p>He didn’t know why he’d suddenly freaked out about having Dries come in his mouth, but Dries didn’t seem to find it weird, or be upset about it even if he did, and Jan quickly dismissed it as something that he would deal with naturally as he got more experience.  He focused on the grin on Dries’ face, the fact that his hands were still in Jan’s hair, running through it over and over, gently grasping it and letting go again as shudders kept shaking through him.</p><p>“Mmmm, Jantje, fuck...”</p><p>Jan’s imagination went into overdrive and he shivered, biting back a grin.  Some day. </p><p>“Can you still walk?” he teased.  “I would hate to have to carry you back to the room. I think someone might figure it out at that point.” </p><p>Dries laughed breathlessly.  He hauled himself up to his feet and shook his hair out, reaching for Jan as he exited the pool via the stairs.  Jan walked into his arms and Dries beamed up at him, going up on the tips of his toes for a kiss while Jan manoeuvered them a bit clumsily over to the racks of guest towels on the wall, where they stood and kissed for another good minute or so before finally breaking apart to dry off.  They both cleaned off their stomachs from when Dries had been pressed up against him, then wrapped up in warm towels, exchanging little smiles as they dried off.</p><p>Dries put his boxers back on, but Jan’s were absolutely soaked, so he just wrung them out over the pool, hoping that he hadn’t put all of his spare underpants in with his dirty laundry when it got picked up earlier in the evening.  As he came back, he watched as Dries slipped his flip-flops on and picked up his keycard from the floor next to them - and Jan was suddenly grateful, realising that he hadn’t even thought about bringing a key. </p><p>They didn’t talk on the way back to the room; Jan was suddenly exhausted, and the way that Dries was dragging his feet made Jan pretty sure that he felt the same.  He stopped Dries with a hand on his shoulder before they quite made the door, though, and glanced up and down the hall quickly before leaning down to kiss him.  He pressed their foreheads together for a moment after, then stood up straight again.  </p><p>Dries looked up at him with those beautiful eyes and Jan only barely restrained from reaching for him again.  There was something far down in their hazel depths that made Jan want to ask him whether everything was okay-- but then Dries winked and grinned, and he was back to normal so completely that Jan thought he may have imagined it entirely.  Jan snuck one last swat at his backside, grinned at his indignant gasp, then followed him into the room.  Between his eyes burning from the chlorine and the fact that it was almost three in the morning, he was more than ready to gather Dries up in his arms and let the soft, golden afterglow of this new step forward in their relationship carry him off to sleep. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter title is from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nntOYUODSV0">The Dangling Conversation</a> by Simon and Garfunkel.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I've Heard the Word Before</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Since that night five months ago, Toby had been doing everything he could to forget it had ever happened, because he worried that if he didn't he might lose his mind. But late at night was always when it was the most difficult to pretend, when he would find himself thinking about Jan as he was drifting off, only to find himself wide awake again and rock hard at the memory of Jan on his hands and knees, begging Toby to spank him...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Toby lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. The steady breathing of the hotel room's three other occupants blended together in the background as Toby tried to settle his racing mind. Years of familiarity let him pick out Jan's light snores from the other bed. The sound of it was somehow both comforting and unsettling at the same time.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By any measure it had been a good day. Belgium had won, beating Hungary 4-0, and Toby had actually gotten one of the goals himself, opening the scoring in only the tenth minute. That was a rare enough thing to have ensured that Toby would never forget today, no matter what else had happened. He was a defender, not a striker; goals for him were rare, but he didn't mind. He was good at what he did; his teammates sometimes said that he was like a brick wall, solid and immovable. Goals like today's didn't come often for a brick wall, though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He closed his eyes, trying yet again to convince his body to relax enough to let him drift off to sleep. After all, they would face Wales in just a few days, and he needed to sleep so that he could focus on recovery and be ready.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But when he closed his eyes, he saw it again. The ball sailing into the net, the crowd roaring as he ran to the corner to celebrate. Jan running toward him as he came down from his triumphant leap. Jan crashing into him, laughing exuberantly, throwing his arms around Toby at the same instant Rom came barrelling into them both, pushing Jan up against Toby…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he thought. It was no good. He was hard again. He rolled onto his side and went through his deep breathing exercises again, willing his body to settle down and let him sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had been an exciting goal, of course, and there was nothing unusual about his teammates celebrating with him, jumping on him, hugging him, pressing close. What was a little less normal was that when he and Jan had crashed together, there had been a moment where their lips had nearly met, and then when Rom had leapt onto Jan's shoulders, he had pushed Jan's face into Toby's neck, and Toby had thought he could feel Jan's lips on his skin, kissing him repeatedly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had happened so fast, though, there was no way to be sure, and a European Championship match was hardly the time to stop and ask questions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The thing was, even if it had been a kiss, that wouldn't ordinarily have unsettled Toby like this, not if it had come from any other teammate. It might have struck him as odd, but not anything to keep him awake at night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it was Jan.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had had such complicated feelings about Jan for so many years that he had actually gotten to a point where he had convinced himself that it was entirely in his head, the occasional flashes of attraction he sometimes felt, the whispered memory of seeing Jan kissing a boy at the Ajax academy. He had convinced himself that he had imagined every degree of heat he ever thought he felt in the thousands of casual touches they shared every day. Jan had certainly never given any sign before that he found Toby attractive at all, and so Toby had boxed up whatever it was that he felt and stowed it in a dark corner of his mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Until, that is, that night five months ago now, when Jan had confessed to something Toby would never have guessed in a million years-- that he was into BDSM, that he liked being dominated. That alone had been enough to knock Toby for a loop; the idea of big, strong Jan submitting to anyone had seemed ludicrous. But it had also come out that Jan felt like he needed to be punished for a stupid mistake he had made on the pitch that day. Jan had been reluctant to talk about it because, as it turned out, it was partly a sexual need. Toby had had to wrestle with himself not to immediately scream out how much he wanted to do it, spank Jan as hard as he could ever want.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the end, though, that was exactly what had happened-- Toby had somehow convinced Jan not only to let Toby help him, but that he was only doing it as a friend. It had been difficult to stick to the limits of that illusion, but he had managed somehow. Managed to keep from trying to kiss Jan, managed to stop himself from throwing himself all over this man who was his friend and teammate-- but nothing else. Managed to give Jan what he needed without revealing too much of Toby's true feelings for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only problem was that afterward, it had been almost impossible for Toby to go back to denying those feelings to himself. He had been terrified that it would affect their defensive partnership, their ability to work together on the pitch, but he had been spared from that issue by Jan pulling up with an injury almost immediately afterward, ruling himself out for at least a dozen matches. By the time Jan had been fit to play again, Toby had more or less gotten himself under control again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Since then, Toby had been doing everything he could to forget it had ever happened, because he worried that if he didn't he might lose his mind. But late at night was always when it was the most difficult to pretend, when he would find himself thinking about Jan as he was drifting off, only to find himself wide awake again and rock hard at the memory of Jan on his hands and knees, begging Toby to spank him...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He bit his lip now, trying to stifle a frustrated groan. It was no good. He wasn't going to be able to get to sleep unless he did something about this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He slipped out of his bed as quietly as he could and stole across the hotel room to the bathroom. He thought he heard a pause in Jan's light snores as he did, but he couldn't be sure.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn't bother turning on the light in the bathroom; the only thing he really needed to see was in his mind. Almost as an afterthought he unspooled a bit of toilet roll and bunched it up in one hand, while he pulled down his pyjama bottoms with the other and took himself in hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was torn between wanting to get it done quickly, so that he could get to sleep sooner-- not to mention minimising the risk of anyone discovering him-- or letting himself take his time and enjoy it. As always he felt guilt mixing with arousal inside him, but he fought off the sense of shame as best he could.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Toby squeezed his dick gently and a wave of pleasure swept over him. His mind was full of nothing but Jan, his face, his eyes, his hair, his body. His hand began to move as he replayed over and over again the noises Jan had made when Toby had spanked him. He saw, yet again, Jan standing naked in front of him, gloriously hard and eager for Toby to touch him, waiting for Toby to tell him what to do.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Toby shivered, picking up some speed as he settled into a faint rhythm. He was biting his lip again, trying to stay quiet as he let himself remember what Jan's skin had felt like under his hands, how gorgeous and red his ass got when Toby spanked it, the sound of Jan's whimpers when he begged Toby not to stop.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Fuck," he breathed. "Jan… fuck…" He let his mind drift to the memory of Jan asking Toby if he could suck his dick. </span>
  <em>
    <span>God, yes, please,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he'd wanted to say, but it wasn't the right response for that moment, so he had tossed off a far more casual answer. The result was the same, though: Toby on his back, his cock in Jan's perfect mouth. It had felt amazing right from the start, and Toby had been agonisingly close to the end when Jan had gagged on Toby's dick and pulled away. Toby had had to choke back the disappointment when Jan elected to finish him with his hand instead, but there was nothing for it-- the last thing he would do was try to pressure Jan into doing anything he didn't want to do.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had still been good, of course, and remembering how intense it had been, how hard he had come in Jan's hand, was almost, </span>
  <em>
    <span>almost,</span>
  </em>
  <span> enough to send him over the edge now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Toby bit down hard on his lip to keep from moaning. He kept flashing back and forth between that night, Jan's hand on his dick, and the game today, Jan's lips on his neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was so close now. He slowed down the movement of his hand, drawing it out, letting himself revel in how good it felt, how exciting the images in his mind were.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he just about couldn't stand it anymore, he let himself think about what had happened after Jan had made him come: Toby's hands on Jan's body, reducing him to a writhing, begging mess, until he had screamed and come so hard Toby had actually worried that he was hurt somehow, come shaking under Toby's hands and then collapsed on the bed, completely insensate for the rest of the night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Toby slipped his hand up his cock, squeezed lightly right underneath the head, held it for a moment as he trembled, hearing Jan's scream echo in his mind, then slid his palm firmly across the head and let go. He could taste blood in his mouth from where he had bitten right into his lip in his efforts to keep from making any noise as he came. His entire body was shaking as he emptied himself, the memory of what Jan sounded like when he came ringing in his ears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He came down with a jolt. Had he heard something from the hotel room? He wiped the last of the cum from his dick, flushed the bit of toilet paper, and hastily washed his hands. He was close with his teammates, but he didn't relish the idea of any of them catching him jerking off in the bathroom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Toby slipped out of the bathroom as quietly as he could, but a jolt of fear went through him when he realised Jan had stopped snoring. He squinted worriedly in Jan's direction in the dark, relaxing when he saw that Jan had rolled over and was now lying on his side rather than his back, which explained it easily enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Toby lay on his back in bed again, still staring blankly up at the ceiling. He may have gotten his dick to settle down, but his mind wasn't giving up so easily. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe he should just talk to Jan, tell him how he felt. He knew that Jan and Sophie had changed their minds about opening up their marriage, but maybe…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let out a deep sigh and rolled over, burying his face in his pillow. Even if he did tell Jan, even if there was some way for it to be okay with Sophie, there was no guarantee that Jan would be interested in anything more serious-- or anything at all, but Toby was being driven mad enough to be willing to settle for whatever Jan might want to give him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took another deep breath, turning his face to the side just enough to avoid inhaling the pillow. When it came down to it, he trusted Jan. If he came clean, the worst that could happen would be that Jan turned him down-- which might be hard on their friendship, but he trusted Jan enough to feel confident that they could work through it, one way or another.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I'll do it. I'll talk to him. It can't be worse than this. Maybe once we're back in London; neither of us need a distraction like that during the Euros.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He suddenly felt better. He let out a slow breath, feeling his body relax. Maybe he would be able to sleep now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had been dozing for a while, not quite slipping into a true sleep yet, when something made him come fully awake again. He couldn't quite tell what it was at first, so he stayed still, his heart thumping in his chest, and listened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It came again, from the other bed in the room, a soft rustle of a sheet, a faint whisper. It was quiet enough that if Toby had been sleeping any more deeply, it wouldn't have woken him at all. As it was, he lay frozen. Had Jan heard him wanking in the bathroom after all?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The whispering went on. Jan and Dries must both be awake. Toby couldn't quite make out what they were saying, but the sheets were still rustling. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What are they doing?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a soft gasp, then a quiet breath of laughter. "Come on," he heard one of them whisper. He heard their bed creak, then feet padding across the carpet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Careful," a voice breathed, farther away now. Toby thought it sounded a bit like one of them was trying to turn the doorknob without making any noise, which wasn't easy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Toby had to squint against a sudden flare of light-- only a sliver of light, and not directly in his face, but still enough to startle him after staring at almost pitch darkness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door squeaked just a bit as it swung open, then it clicked shut again, and the room was dark and silent once more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What on Earth were Jan and Dries doing out of bed this late at night? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Toby wavered for a moment. He probably should just forget about it and go to sleep himself, but he couldn't. Curiosity spurred him out of bed, with a careful glance back at Nacer, who thankfully was absolutely fast asleep. He grabbed his room key and stole out the door, easing it shut as quietly as he could.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Out in the hallway, though, he found himself with no trail to follow. They were on the ground floor of the hotel, and he didn't really fancy going on an extended search for his teammates wearing only a pair of pyjama bottoms and his sandals in the middle of the night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luckily, after a moment he heard Dries's distinctive giggle float down the hall. He moved towards the sound, trying to remember what all was on this floor. The corridor was separated from the lobby and front desk by a door that only opened with a guest key card, so they couldn't have gone out there, or Toby wouldn't have been able to hear them at all. Half the corridor was given over to guest rooms, the other half contained the gym, the laundry, the hotel restaurant, and the indoor pool. This last was closest, with a large window that looked in, running the length of the corridor wall.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Toby edged up to this window and peeked through, not wanting to be seen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sure enough, Jan and Dries had snuck into the pool and appeared to be skinny dipping. Watching them laughing and splashing each other made Toby smile, and for a moment he was tempted to go join them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before he could make up his mind, though, he saw something that froze him in place. Dries swam up behind Jan and wound his arms around his waist, which wouldn't have struck Toby as unusual, but then one of Dries's hands slid lower and disappeared under the water. Toby couldn't quite see what he was doing, but the way Jan closed his eyes and bit his lip didn't leave much room for doubt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then Jan turned in Dries's arms, cupped his face in his hands, and kissed him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Toby's blood turned to ice in his veins. He knew he should walk away, that he shouldn't be watching this, but his legs didn't seem to be working. He watched numbly as Dries's arm moved steadily, his hand still obscured by the water. He couldn't really see Jan's face anymore, but he didn't miss Jan sliding one of his own hands down to squeeze Dries's ass, then slip between their bodies as well. Dries closed his eyes, he was kissing Jan back, and--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Toby's legs suddenly kicked into gear before he quite knew what was happening. He nearly fell as he jerked away from the window, but luck was with him and he only stumbled a little. Then he was moving, not quite running, back down the corridor to his room. He opened the door as quietly as he could, eased it closed with agonising care behind him, and felt his way blindly back to his bed in the dark.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Thank Christ Nacer is such a heavy sleeper,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he thought as he slipped back between the sheets. Nacer didn't so much as pause in his snoring, and Toby was free to lay there quietly, occasionally wiping the tears away as he cried himself to sleep.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Toby felt flat and dull when he woke the next morning, not at all the norm for him the morning after a win, especially when he had scored. Normally he would be jubilant and energised, but not this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he sat up in bed and glanced across at the other bed, the sight of Jan and Dries, fast asleep but wrapped around each other as they always ended up when they shared a bed, made his stomach sit like lead inside him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>How did I never figure it out before? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had seen them wake up in each other's arms a hundred times. Every little flirtation he'd ever seen between them began to parade through his mind. All the jokey little kisses, all the playful touches, Dries leaping into Jan's arms at the drop of a hat. He had always shrugged it off before, because Dries was like that with everyone, but Jan reciprocated in ways none of the others did.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hell, just last night Toby had sat on the couch right next to them, watched Jan fall asleep with his head in Dries's lap, watched Dries tug on Jan's hair-- and Toby fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> that look on Jan's face, damnit, it was the same one he'd seen on Jan's face back in January, when Jan had begged Toby to touch him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I must be the most oblivious idiot in the world.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stayed quieter than normal all through breakfast, keeping his eyes on his plate. He knew the other guys kept glancing at him, knew they were concerned, but he couldn't seem to rouse himself out of the funk he found himself stewing in. When Mousa asked, he passed it off as just being the result of sleeping poorly last night, which it was-- but it was also more than that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tried not to stare at Jan and Dries, tried not to give any sign that he was uncomfortable around them, but it was so difficult. He kept seeing it in his mind, Jan kissing Dries, over and over again, Dries's hand sliding down into Jan's crotch...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn't want to confront them or anything, though-- they hadn't done anything wrong, after all. They weren't responsible for Toby's stupid broken heart, neither of them. It wasn't Dries's fault if Jan preferred him to Toby.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was a stupid idea anyway,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he told himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Odds on he wouldn't have wanted you anyway. He needed you that one time, he didn't choose you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tried to keep his face as neutral as he could, tried to limit how much he gave away. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Brick wall,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he repeated, over and over in his mind. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Be the brick wall. Brick walls don't hurt like this. Brick walls don't cry. Brick walls don't have hearts to break.</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter title is from <i>I Am a Rock</i> by Simon and Garfunkel.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. In the Naked Light I Saw</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Saying goodbye to Jan this time was not something Dries was looking forward to at all. Yes, it was hard to say goodbye to a friend, yes, the disappointment of their elimination from the tournament made it harder. But it was more than that, because Jan was more than a friend.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dries dropped his duffel on the floor with a sigh and looked around the nearly-deserted hotel lobby. He always hated this part of international campaigns. Not just because it was difficult to say goodbye to friends he saw far too seldom, but because by and large, their international campaigns generally ended with disappointment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And so it was this time, another quarterfinal loss to go with the one from the World Cup two years ago. It was infuriating, really; the current squad were the best Belgium had seen in years, and they surely deserved to win a major international trophy. They </span>
  <em>
    <span>would</span>
  </em>
  <span> win one. Dries believed it, </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> it, as surely as he knew his own name.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But not this trophy. Not this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bidding his teammates farewell at the end of a campaign was often a patchy, jumbled affair, their departure schedules rarely all synchronised with one another. Some of the team had already left; others, including Dries, were leaving today. Still others were leaving tomorrow or the day after. Jan and the other boys who were flying to London were in this last group, he knew, due to fly out tomorrow. He hadn't seen Jan yet this morning; they hadn't shared a hotel room since they had left Toulouse. He'd been hoping to see him at breakfast, but no luck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saying goodbye to Jan this time was not something Dries was looking forward to at all. Yes, it was hard to say goodbye to a friend, yes, the disappointment of their elimination from the tournament made it harder. But it was more than that, because Jan was more than a friend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dries slouched down into one of the hideously uncomfortable chairs in the lobby and let out a long sigh. He and Jan had been doing this for years, this on-again, off-again friends-with-benefits </span>
  <em>
    <span>thing</span>
  </em>
  <span> that they had. They'd even gone to a new level this time, one Dries hadn't been expecting, but when Jan had asked him to suck his dick he was hardly about to say no.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that made it even worse, really, that he had to say goodbye to Jan this time. He'd gotten a taste-- literally and figuratively-- of what </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> be, if he and Jan were ever able to do this for real.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But they couldn't. If there ever had been a chance, maybe, it was gone now. Dries couldn't do this anymore. It wasn't Jan's fault, really. He hadn't done anything wrong. He just seemed to be remarkably unaware of the effect that he had on people.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dries hadn't really been sure at first. He had picked up on a slightly odd vibe between Jan and Toby from the start of the campaign, but something had kept him from asking them about it, something different in Toby's eyes, something tense, something almost… fragile. He had wondered if they had fallen out, or something, but that was evidently not the case-- they laughed and joked together as much as ever, and Toby didn't seem any less comfortable around Jan than he had before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still, Dries had been sure that </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span> was different between them, though he had stayed in the dark on the matter for most of the tournament. Then he and Jan had snuck out after they beat Hungary, had slipped into the pool late at night to fool around. They had been skinny dipping, messing around a little, when a hint of motion had caught Dries's eye, drawing his attention to the window between the corridor and the pool. It had been too brief for him to be sure, but for an instant he had been sure he had seen Toby's face in the window, pale and stricken. When he blinked and looked again, though, there was no sign of anybody in the corridor at all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had tried to shrug it off, enjoy the rest of his stolen time with Jan, but when he had woken the next morning to see dark circles under Toby's eyes, seen the way he scrupulously avoided looking at Jan or Dries, it had felt like the bottom had dropped out of his stomach. An uncomfortable suspicion had begun to grow in the back of his mind, much as he tried to push it away, to focus on the match coming up against Wales.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But going down in defeat against Wales had changed everything. The heartbroken squad had coped in various ways, as they always did. Dries and Jan had both been among those who had chosen to drown their sorrows in the hotel bar that evening. It had taken more shots than Dries had expected to turn Jan's sullen silence into something a little less gloomy. For his part, Dries had decided to make it his mission to cheer his friend up, conveniently ignoring his own pain in the process, and so once Jan had stopped scowling quite so much, Dries had decided to start teasing him, to try to make him smile in any way he could think of.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once he had succeeded in making Jan giggle, they had stumbled out of the bar, trying to find somewhere quieter to talk, and had ended up out in the car park, sitting on a kerb, surrounded by parked cars but, thankfully, no other people.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jan had kissed him, and that had been nice, like a balm on Dries's untreated injury, but something in his alcohol-fuddled mind told him that it wasn't really the best idea right now, and so he had pulled away, casting about for something, anything, to talk about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something Jan had said the other day rose unbidden to the surface of his mind, a question that had sparked his curiosity and then been forgotten.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You said… that I was three… out of your top five," Dries slurred, completely forgetting to establish any sort of context in his drunken haze.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Jan understood him anyway, as he so often did. It was one of the reasons Dries loved him so much. "Yeah, well, you're good," he said, grinning, his face flushed and his eyes bright. "Don't let it go to your head."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Too late," Dries sang, pinching him on the arm, and they both giggled. "So what about the other two?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Well, one of them was Sophie, the first time we were able to have sex again after the baby was born," Jan said, smiling at the memory. "I think she had missed it."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dries laughed, elbowing Jan, and Jan elbowed him back, then scooped Dries under one of his ridiculously strong arms, pinning Dries's head against his side and tickling him. Dries squirmed, trying to tickle him back, and by the time he got free they were both breathless with laughter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When their giggles finally subsided, Dries went back to his original question, his curiosity not yet satisfied. "Okay… that's four. What about number five?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jan gave him a dopey grin. "Would you believe it was Toby?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Toby?"</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dries's heart seemed suddenly determined to pound its way out of his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Yeah. S'kinda a long story, but a few months ago… Sophie was out of town, and she'd told me to try… with someone else… and he spanked me," Jan rambled, swaying slightly where he sat. "Asked him if I could suck his dick… then he made me come so hard I passed out," Jan confessed, his face glowing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dries's stomach was churning. Everything suddenly clicked into place in his mind, cutting through the pleasant numbness he'd been feeling, blowing away all traces of the fog from his brain. No wonder there had been that odd tension between Jan and Toby.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lurched unsteadily to his feet. "Gotta go," he mumbled. "Not feeling so good." His legs started moving almost before he had made it upright, carrying him back into the hotel. In the lobby he ran smack into Kevin, nearly knocking them both over.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Kev," he gasped, trying to fight down his nausea. "Jan's outside. S'drunk. Take care of him, yeah?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn't wait for an answer, bolting for the stairs, taking them two at a time. He somehow made it to his room before he was sick, heaving into the toilet from some combination of too many shots and too big a shock. Finally he collapsed, empty, panting, and clinging to the toilet seat, feeling as though he had been wrung out like a washrag, his mind whirling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It all made sense now. Toby obviously had feelings of some kind for Jan. Did Jan know? Had he rejected Toby after they'd slept together? Dries couldn't imagine that being the case, but why would it have only been the one time otherwise?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Clearly Toby </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> seen Jan and Dries together the other night. If he had feelings for Jan, then no wonder he had looked like hell the following morning. No wonder he'd been so withdrawn around them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had taken ages for Dries to fall asleep that night; he'd been tossing and turning for what felt like an eternity. He couldn't stop seeing Toby's ashen face in the window, couldn't stop thinking about how down he had been the next day. He finally fell asleep with Jan's voice in his ear. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He made me come so hard I passed out…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dries had spent almost every moment since thinking about it, trying to decide what to do. He didn't really feel comfortable talking to Jan about it-- if he really didn't know how Toby felt about him, how could it be Dries's place to tell him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Talking to Toby wasn't an option either. They were friends, of course, as close as he was with any of his national teammates that weren't Jan, but he didn't like to imagine how well that friendship would weather something like this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn't that he was jealous. Almost nobody believed him when he said it, but he just didn't </span>
  <em>
    <span>get</span>
  </em>
  <span> jealous. He was perfectly happy to share Jan, with his wife, with Toby, with any other lover that might make Jan happy. He supposed he might have been less enthusiastic about it if he weren't able to be with Jan himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He couldn't stomach making someone as sweet and wonderful as Toby unhappy either, though. But if he couldn't talk to Jan, couldn't talk to Toby, and couldn't bear to make Toby unhappy…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dries sighed again and scrubbed a hand over his face, brushing his unruly hair back off his forehead. He'd been over this a hundred times in his mind, but he still couldn't see any better solution. If he couldn't talk to either of them, and couldn't stand knowing that his involvement with Jan was hurting Toby, then there was only one thing to do. He had to end that involvement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was no possible way he could explain it to Jan, though. If he tried, he would just end up talking about things that weren't his to share. So his plan, such as it was, was simply to let their on-again, off-again relationship become </span>
  <em>
    <span>off</span>
  </em>
  <span> again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And as a result, here he sat, in a mostly empty hotel lobby, waiting for the car that would take him to the airport for his flight back to Italy, feeling like an utter coward. How could he walk away from someone he loved as much as Jan without even telling him that it was over?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dries glanced at his watch. Still a bit of time before the car would be here. Probably enough to go and find Jan, if he dared. He had thought about going to find him, to at least kiss him one last time, but Dries knew if he did he wouldn't be strong enough to do what he had to do. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he told himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You can't and you know it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had to close his eyes against the wash of melancholy that swept over him. He could do this. He had to. Just sit tight, all he had to do was wait here, and then get in that car, on that plane, and fly away from someone he loved.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He opened his eyes again at the sound of the elevator opening, voices becoming audible, coming closer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Of course.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"There you are," Jan called. "Trying to sneak off without saying goodbye, ah?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dries glanced over his shoulder, forcing himself to grin. It was all the Tottenham boys: Jan, Toby, Mousa, and Nacer, coming straight over to where he sat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"So much for my secret escape plan," he said with a mock sigh. Jan perched on the arm of his chair, tucking Dries under his arm and ruffling his hair. Dries fought back rather apathetically, squirming away from Jan, trying and failing to force a convincing smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You okay?" Toby's voice was deep and gentle, but Dries couldn't bring himself to meet his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Just hate this part," Dries muttered. It wasn't a lie; it just wasn't the entire truth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Ah, come here," Mousa cooed, dropping an arm around his shoulders. "I'll miss you too, little buddy."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dries scowled at him, trying to find a sarcastic response to keep it light, keep up at least the facade of banter, but his throat suddenly closed up. He quickly turned his face to the side, burying it in Mousa's arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thankfully, nobody seemed to quite pick up on exactly how upset Dries was, except perhaps Mousa, who wrapped him up in an enormous hug. "We'll be back together soon," Mousa murmured in Dries's ear. "And we'll win it all next time."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dries nodded numbly, but still couldn't say anything. He just breathed in and out, willing himself not to cry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The arms around him changed soon, and Dries could tell by the scent of his shampoo that it was Nacer now. Nacer didn't say anything, just squeezed him tight, pressing his cheek against Dries's curly brown mop of hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then Nacer passed him to Jan, and Dries lost the battle against his tears as he buried his face in Jan's chest. "I'm sorry," he whispered into Jan's shirt, despite knowing that Jan couldn't hear him. He couldn't leave it unsaid. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Forgive me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jan held him for a long time without speaking, then cleared his throat. "Moose's right. It won't be that long til the next campaign." He gave Dries an exaggeratedly loud kiss on the forehead and turned him loose, grinning. Dries gave him a weak smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why does this have to be so hard?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After Jan, only Toby was left now. Dries was suddenly terrified to look at him, afraid of what he would see, but Toby didn't try to meet his eyes, just pulled Dries into his arms without a word. Not for the first time, Dries wished that he could get even the slightest read on what Toby was thinking, but Toby was unyielding as a brick wall when he wanted to be. Dries hugged him tight anyway, thinking of all the things he wished he could say to his friend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I didn't mean to hurt you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I don't blame you for loving him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love him too.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm sorry.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The last he whispered aloud, unsure if Toby would hear it or not, but as with Jan, he just couldn't leave it unsaid.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hotel doors swished open then, admitting a clean-shaven man dressed in a neat suit. </span>
  <em>
    <span>"Monsieur</span>
  </em>
  <span> Mertens?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dries pulled away from Toby, cleared his throat, and grabbed his bag. "Time to go."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The others stood up along with Dries, clapping his shoulder, exchanging a last round of handshakes. "Behave yourself in Italy," Nacer told him with a grin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Never," Dries said, trying to summon up a smirk. "Go on and win the league then, yeah?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"If we feel like it," Jan drawled. "Love you, you little asshole."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As always a tiny flutter went through Dries when Jan said this, but he dismissed it immediately. Most of the squad threw those words around, partly joking, partly just as normal team camaraderie. It didn't actually mean anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grinned up at Jan. "Love you too, you oversized bitch." Dries, on the other hand, </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> mean it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tipped a wink at Mousa, slung his bag over his shoulder, and turned to follow the driver out to the car. He hadn't met Toby's eyes once.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Coward.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He spent most of the drive to the airport staring out the window, only occasionally lifting a hand to wipe away a stray tear. By the time the driver handed him his bag at the drop off, his face was dry again. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That's a wrap for this one! It expanded quite a ways beyond the original concept Ayerlind and I had for this one, which was just a question inspired by a throwaway detail from chapter 13 of the main narrative-- why hadn't Jan and Dries fooled around since the 2016 Euros?</p><p>Chapter title is from <i>The Sound of Silence</i> by Simon and Garfunkel (are you noticing a pattern here? XD)</p><p>Thanks for reading! 😊</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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